The return of the blog (maybe, maybe not)

When I went to the gym for the first time after years doing nothing but sitting on my couch with a bag of Doritos and a sixer of PBR tall boys, I posted about it on Facebook.

When I started Couch to 5K for the first time about it, I told all of my social media friends.

Six months later, I started this blog.

Am I crazy?

My Instagram feed is littered with bad post-run selfies, Strava maps and race photos.

I have been a runner for almost 12 years (May 29 is the anniversary of that first run) and for the majority of those 12 years I have shared the journey. I talk about running, I write about running, I post about running. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I’ve been a little less vocal and written a whole lot less about running in the last three years, because as I’ve stated in this space more than a few times (here, here, and here are just a few examples), running has been a miserable activity for much of the last three years. It was OK at the start of the pandemic when I was still working my way back into shape after the 2019 Chicago Marathon beat the shit out of me, but it all went to shit when I strained my calf in March 2021. And I still haven’t really covered. My calf is OK, but I have fought a mostly losing battle with my body and my mind to be the runner I want to be.

I’m not here to complain about it, I’m still trying to get my running groove back. Mostly, I’m just thinking out loud (is it out loud if I’m writing it down?). I am starting to run a little more these days, trying to motivate myself to do the necessary work. I have a race on the calendar that I don’t really want to talk about and I will start training with a group next week.

What I’m thinking out loud about is how much of it do I want to share? I haven’t enjoyed talking about running lately because running has sucked. It’s not really run. I haven’t written about it because it is the same old shitty song that I don’t want to sing. I don’t think anyone wants to hear it either.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t share the crap because social media feeds are full of all the good stuff, we need a little truth every once in a while. I just haven’t feel like sharing it.

A part of me doesn’t want to share, period. I love running and I love to talk about running, but I’m definitely more than just a runner, just like I’m more than just a sports fan and I’m more than a copy editor. Running is a part of who I am, it is not WHO I am. I mean, I’m not even that good at it.

And as much as I enjoy writing –  I enjoy writing as much as I enjoy running and hate it as much as I hate running, if you know what I mean – a part of me wants to keep running, good or bad, to myself. The less I worry about what I’m going to say about running, what I’m going to post to social media or write about on this blog (something I really don’t do anymore anyway), the more I can just focus on running and try to enjoy running.

Maybe I’m overthinking all of it. I’m a notorious overthinking, it’s the source of my social anxiety and part of the reason for my high blood pressure. It’s running, after all, it’s supposed to be fun. I shouldn’t feel any pressure to do anything.

Then again, maybe I’ll post again tomorrow. Who knows?

A few thoughts on the long road back

Racing the Back Cove 5K has been a challenge, but it has reminded me why I like doing this.
(Photo by Maine Running Photos)

I haven’t posted in this space very often this year. I haven’t known what to say about running because I’m not really sure how I feel about running. Some days it is OK. Some days it is awful. It is never awesome, and that sucks, but I’m still trying.

It has been a difficult two years as far as running is concerned. The pandemic messed up all my routines and I haven’t been able to get back to my old ways (turns out, when you have social anxiety and there is a global pandemic and you never leave the house because of that global pandemic, your social anxiety gets way, way worse — or at least that is my experience). I still haven’t found the sweet spot ergonomically for my work-from-home setup which has caused some issues with my hips and my IT band which makes running a pain in the ass (sometimes literally, everything on my left side hurts sometimes). Since running hurts sometimes, motivation to do anything to fix it is hard to come by (it seems the pain I feel running would be enough to motivate me to do the other stuff, but my brain doesn’t work that way, unfortunately).

There have been a few moments recently where I felt like I was turning a corner. The back-to-back Wednesday night Back Cove 5Ks that reminded me of why I like to race, where I pushed myself to the point where I thought I needed to quit, but was able to overpower that voice in my head and keep going.

There have also been more frequents moments where I felt like running will never feel good again. When a 25 minute jog through the cemetery left me sucking wind and trying not to limp. When I had to work five or six times during my first attempt at the 5K Back Cove race (I’ve done four, so far, the first one was on the hottest day of the year and I was feeling terrible — I should have skipped it).

I am not giving up. That is the most important thing to note here. I’ve had too many good times, made too many impactful changes to my life because I am a runner. Despite how the last two years have gone, running has been the one physical activity I’ve been able to stick with as an adult. I went back to playing baseball in my early 30s, but people took it way too seriously and/or couldn’t be bother to show up on game day. I played a lot of pick up basketball in my late 20s and early 30s, but it isn’t easy to find a game on my schedule (working evening/nights makes everything harder) and, when all you do is play basketball, your ankles and knees pay a price (sounds a little like running, maybe I should have been strength training when I played basketball, too). I played some golf, but I do not have the temperament for that game (my temper is also the reason I no longer have a 7 iron — well, I do, but it is in two pieces at the bottom of my golf bag).

I don’t know that I will ever feel good enough about running to run another marathon. I don’t know if I will ever feel good enough about running to do speed sessions on a regular basis and train hard enough to chase any of my PRs, either.

I want to feel good enough about running to chase goals again. That is when I had the most fun as a runner. In 2013, when I was training with a friend to race fast 5Ks all summer, I had fun. In 2019, when I was training with the FleetFeet class to run the Chicago Marathon (and nearly set a 5K PR in the process), I had fun. I don’t know if I will ever be motivated enough do that again, or feel good enough to do that again, to have that kind of fun again, but that is the goal.

Maybe, as we head back to the office (we were told starting in the fall we would be required to be in the office at least one day a week), I will get back into some better habits, and just feel better about leaving the house. Maybe, working less in my bedroom-office will help clear up some of the issues in my hip/IT band. Maybe, if I keep showing up for those Wednesday 5Ks (well, there is only one left), I will be reminded of why I enjoy working so hard toward a goal (the mental benefits might be bigger than the physical benefits).

Maybe, I’ll fall in love with running again, and it won’t cause me so much frustration.

That is what I keep telling myself.

Trying to turn the tide, again

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I pushed the lap button on my Garmin and started my second or third charge up the hill. Twenty seconds, sort of hard, no problem. Right? I asked myself, between gasp for breathe.

Well …

A year ago, maybe not.

Three years ago, definitely not.

11 years ago, probably.

Last Wednesday, sort of.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog and the last few times I did nothing was going right in terms of running. After those post, I pulled way back on my mileage, which was already super low, because running was not a lot of fun because stuff hurt.

Wednesday was a step in the process of trying to build back to running on a regular basis. On June 1, I started working out with the Reach the Beacon training group at FleetFeet. We meet once a week for a workout and follow a schedule to prepare to run the Beacon to Beacon 10K on Aug. 6 (I’M NOT RUNNING BEACH TO BEACON).

I was not running much before the training group started, and I’m still not. My highest mileage week in the last five-plus weeks is 13 miles, my highest mileage day was 4.6 miles on one of our workout days. My paces are way, way down too, in part because that is what the plan calls for, in part because of how much fitness I’ve lost.

I wish I was more fit, I wish I was running more miles and ready to sign up for a race. But … that’s not my reality. I’m not in the kind of shape I was in 2019, when I missed my 5K PR by 11 seconds, set my marathon PR and ran a totally under control sub-1:45 half marathon. And I can’t compare myself to the runner I used to be. Not right now. That’s not where I’m at.

Right now, it’s just about getting back into running on a regular basis and not hating it, building a little bit of fitness and getting back in the habit of following a training plan again (and maybe getting into the habit of writing again, who know?)

That workout Wednesday, when I was sucking wind after just two 20 second charges up the hill, was a reminder of where I’m at and where I want to go.

I am a guy who has spent way too much time sitting around watching TV, reading, working and sleeping in the same room every day, eating too much of the wrong food and trying to get out of all the bad habits pandemic living created.

I want to be more like the guy I was in 2019, when I was crushing mileage, eating much cleaner, and doing most of the little things it takes to be a decent runner. Most of all, I want to have the kind of fun I had in 2019 before my knees acted up in the marathon and started this downward spiral.

One day, or make that, one hill rep at a time.

My PRs are all old

I set my 10-mile PR in Feb. 2017. I have set one PR since then. Photo by Maine Running Photos

To the right of this post, stuck to the side of this blog, is a list of my personal records. When I pulled up this website this morning I took a look at those times and it bummed me out.

With the exception of my marathon PR, set in 2019, all of my PRs are at least 4 years old. Most of them are 5 or 6 years old. I set one in 2017, four in 2016, two in 2015 and one in 2014.

This tells me a few things.

• 2016 was a pretty good year of running. I set PRs in the 5K and 10K, two distances I don’t necessarily run that well, ran a great race in a distance I’ve never run before (15k), and put together a pretty good effort in the marathon (it was my PR until 2019).

• I haven’t raced a lot since 2017. After the Maine Half Marathon in October 2017, I developed some pretty bad runner’s knee and was on the shelf for months. In 2018 I was focused on putting myself back to together and in 2019 I was focused on staying healthy and getting in the best possible shape for the Chicago Marathon (though I did just miss my 5K PR that spring). Then the pandemic hit and my body gave up, and I have run one in person race in the last two years.

• There are some distances I haven’t raced very much. I have raced the mile and the 15K once, and have raced 4- and 5-miles just a handful of times.

• I’m not getting any younger.

I’m not giving up on chasing PRs, at least I don’t think I am. As I wrote last week, I’m not exactly on good terms with running right now. I did not run once last week and I’m in no rush to get out the door. The weather has been crap, my body feels like shit and I have no desire to even jog around the neighborhood. But I’m not giving up on running, not yet. Hopefully, I’ll figure out what I need to do to feel good again and get back to training hard enough to toe the starting line with the goal of running as fast as I ever have.

It’s actually silly to even think about personal records right now. My longest run since the Chicago Marathon in 2019 was 9 miles and my longest run in 2021 was 5.5 miles. And I have not run a single mile in more than a week.

But I’m competitive and having something to compete against has motivated me to do the work. I am not fast enough to be competitive with other people, so I am competitive with the clock, with myself. Looking at those personal records bums me out because it has been so long since I was in shape enough to chase any of them, but it also motivates me to get back to work.

Maybe those PRs on the right-hand side of his web page will never change. Maybe, like a friend of mine does, I’ll have to break down my PRs by age group or by times in my life. I hope I am able to get back to doing the work, that the pandemic will allow me to get back to some semblance of normal (I haven’t been to the gym in like 8 months, I just won’t risk it), that my body will cooperate and allow me to do the things I want to do, that I will find the desire to do what I need to do to stay healthy.

I’d like to update those numbers at some point, I’m just not sure it is realistic.

Time for some honesty

A foggy run in December. It felt as bad as the visibility was that day

I don’t want to come to this space to complain, to piss and moan about how much I hate running lately. I also feel it is disingenuous to not tell the truth. Social media (including blogs and YouTube) tends to be filled with the highlights of whatever that person focuses on. I scroll my feeds, see people kicking ass, and it makes me feel like shit.

So here it is, the truth about where I am six months after my last post to this blog:

• I’m in the worse shape I’ve been in in my 10-plus years as a runner.

• In the 11 days of 2022, I’ve run six of them, not more than 4 miles, and I’m not sure I will run today.

• Running hurts despite my efforts to fix myself (maybe I need to try harder).

• I’ve had thoughts of just giving up this hobby and trying to find some other way to stay fit (I guess I should say get fit, because I am not fit right now).

Yeah, I just don’t enjoy running right now. I haven’t for a long time. I’m probably covering ground I have covered before (I know I am) but running has been a struggle since I ran my marathon PR in October 2019. I went through the whole physical therapy thing to get my bum knees back to a place where running felt good again, I started to get into a groove, then the pandemic hit and the gyms closed and I rarely left the house and the shit hit the fan.

I would say running started to take a turn for the worst sometime in July or August of 2020. There were no races to train for and I was struggling to find motivation. Determined to give myself a kick in the ass, I decided to do a run streak, at least 3.1 miles every day for the entire month of August. I finished that streak, but my body started to hurt. My left ankle/Achilles were sore and my IT band was almost always tight. Yeah, I ran a lot, but I didn’t do much else and it bit me in the ass. I spent way too much time sitting in my office chair in my bedroom, with my feet up on my desk, and my body started to reject it.

There were some good moments after that. I ran a decent virtual 5K in Oct. 2020 (22:58 running by myself on mediocre training), but took a break in December because nothing felt good. Then I started to training toward the end of January 2021 and I was starting to enjoy it again, until I strained my calf in March.

It has been mostly shit since then.

Every time I feel like I’m turning a corner, something starts to hurt. I went through physical therapy for my calf and started to ramp up a little bit in May and June, then my IT band and hips started hurt. I started to see a chiropractor/physiotherapist for that and when I started to feel better, I did the Couch to 5K program and running didn’t feel so bad. I continued to run, doing a fair amount of run/walking, but for the last couple of weeks, my ankle/shin/calf have been bothering me and I dread hitting the road because it fucking hurts.

So, I’m not running.

It’s frustrating. It’s a little depressing. I’m trying to learn to deal with it.

It’s hard. For so long, running has been a BIG part of my identity. I woke up in the morning knowing that five or six days a week I would be getting some miles in. Vacations were planned around races. Running was what I did, it was who I am.

I’m not saying those days are over, but lately I’m starting to wonder. I don’t want them to be over, but I also don’t want to keep doing this if I’m going to feel broken all the time. When every run hurts and every run is frustrating, it’s just doesn’t seem worth it. When running is something I dread, not something I look forward to, maybe it’s time to pull the plug.

I’m not giving up yet. Running has given me way too much. I will keep trying and maybe, I’ll find that groove again. Maybe my body will start to cooperate. Maybe I’ll figure out exactly what I need to do to stay healthy and enjoy running again.

It has been six months since I posted to this blog. Running hasn’t been a lot of fun for a while, I haven’t been racing, and I didn’t feel like I had anything to write about. But posting only the good shit isn’t being honest.

So here I am, trying to be completely honest with myself, and trying to work through these emotions. I hope it doesn’t take six months for me to post again, and maybe (HOPEFULLY) I’ll have something good to write about down the road.

I just want to run

I have avoided this space for nearly two months because to sit here and write about running feels phony. Who am I to write about running when I haven’t run more than 17 miles in a week since the end of March and, frankly, I don’t really like running right now?

It’s frustrating, but running hurts and isn’t any fun. Running has hurt – and I don’t mean because I’m not fit, I mean because I’m injured – more often that not for a year and a half. Runner’s knees, a hip flexor strain, tendonitis in my left ankle, shin splints, and a calf strain have all made me want to throw away my running shoes and find another fitness hobby.

I was seeing a physical therapist for treatment, some form work and strength exercises to alleviate my calf pain. For a month, I was in the office once or twice a week trying to make running bearable again, and I was making progress. Sure, my fitness was shit, but every step didn’t hurt. I thought I’d be training for a race in the near future.

Then I took a step backward. Last Thursday on a lap around the Back Cove, my ankle started to hurt. Saturday at the end of a few 1.5 mile jogs, my lower calf started to cramp. Tuesday, within 3 minutes of jogging, my calf was tight and hurt.

It’s hard not to give up. I’ve been battling some of this shit since last August, and been battling this calf since the end of March. I can’t remember the last time I ran more than 4 miles.

The fact that this is all coming after the best training cycle of my life in 2019, when I was preparing for the Chicago Marathon, makes it even more frustrating. During that cycle, I was doing thing I didn’t think I was capable of. Now, I can’t do things I could do a month into Couch to 5K when I was 50 pounds heavier 10 years ago.

Part of me wants to quit. This isn’t what I signed up for and isn’t something that brings me any joy. It’s just painful and frustrating and feels like it is not worth the effort.

But I want to run. I don’t want to buy a bike and sit in the seat for hours. I can’t swim and I don’t want to learn. Those virtual exercises classes (Peloton, Apple Fitness) with a couch yelling at your for 45 minutes sound like a special kind of hell. I JUST WANT TO RUN, not do any of those other things people have recommend I do instead of running.

So, I not going to give in yet. I’m going to lay low and keep my running to a minimum right now. Walk instead of run. Do my strength work and stretching and soft tissue massage. I will probably try to get back in to see the physical therapist.

It’s no fun. This shit sucks. I just want to run and not hate it.

Is that too much to ask? (Apparently so).

10 years later, running is awkward again

10 years (well, two days shy) of my first “run” I went for a similar run.

I don’t remember exactly how much distance I covered on foot during my first “run” on May 29, 2011. I’m not sure if it was more or less than what I covered on my “run” Thursday afternoon. I know that it was close, and they both felt super freaking awkward.

In 2011, running felt awkward because I hadn’t done it in so long. In high school I jogged during preseason soccer practice and logged some miles (more like a mile) before baseball practice started trying to work my way into shape. I jogged around campus once or two with my roommate my freshman year of college, but got most of my physical activity on the basketball courts in the field house. After graduate I played some pick up basketball and a few years of men’s league baseball, but running wasn’t something I had much interest in. I ran the trails at UMA a few times with my work colleagues, but it wasn’t something I ever really wanted to do.

But in 2011, my weight had climbed to close to 240 pounds and I had to do something differently. I joined the gym on May 3 to start my journey, and started to run on May 29.

My first race in June 2011.

It took a long time before running felt like anything but awkward. I was carrying a lot of weight, I was running in worn-out cross trainers, baggy basketball shorts and XXL cotton T-shirts. Eventually, weight came off, I was fitted for running shoes and bought running clothes.

And running became a part of my life. I broke 30 minutes, then 25 minutes, then 22 minutes in the 5K, I broke 1:45 in the half marathon and 3:50 in the marathon. I’ve run races in New York City, Boston and Chicago, made a few friends, and jogged with some friends who had always been runners, but never convinced me to hop on board.

Almost 10 years later, running feels super awkward again. I’m running just a few days a week, I’m doing some walking during those runs, and I’m carrying around too much weight (though almost 50 pounds less than when I started).

Running is awkward right now because I’ve been injured, I’ve developed bad habits, and I put on weight staying at home trying to survive the pandemic. Running is awkward because I’m trying to break those bad habits and because of those 20-plus pounds I gained during the pandemic. Plus, I’m not completely over those injuries yet.

But 10 years after that first run, I am still a runner. I am not the runner I want to be, but I am absolutely still a runner. I am going to physical therapy twice a week because I want to be able to run, I want to be able to run pain free, and I want to enjoy running.

I’m not happy with where I am as a runner right now, but I am happy that I am still a runner.

Starting a long journey to getting better

Working on a form drill I just couldn’t seem to execute. It was until I watched the videos this still was grabbed from that I realized just how out of shape I am.

I heard the instructions and saw what I was supposed to do. Still, my stubborn brain wouldn’t send signal to my stubborn legs and I couldn’t figure out to to execute a simple drill that required me to scuff my foot along the floor. This drill to help me improve my running form made perfect sense to my eyes, but not the rest of my body.

I had my first physical therapy session to work on the issues in my left leg today and it was eye opening. My left calf/ankle/shin/everything issues appear to be caused by tightness in my right hip. That tightness likely is related to that injury I suffered training for the Chicago Marathon. I rehabbed that injury, but it has been a year and a half since I rehabbed it, and since I haven’t kept up rehabbing it, it is causing a bunch of other issues.

I won’t get too specific into everything I learned at physical therapy today because I am not smart enough to put it into words. Basically, I need treatment on my hip and my calf, I need to make some tweaks to my form (land with my weight under my body, not out in front), and I need to be consistent with stretching and rolling, drills and strength.

Honestly, my appointment this morning was pretty intense. I didn’t work very hard, but it was a lot to process. Not in a bad way, I understand everything we discussed and I wasn’t over burdened with things to do or think about. It’s overwhelming because it feels like there is a lot of work to do to get back to being the runner I want to be.

But, that is what I signed up for. I haven’t been doing the work I need to for a long time and that is a big part of the reason running has sucked so hard for the last year or so. It’s going to be a slow process, it’s going to take a lot of effort, it is probably going to suck sometimes. I know, and I have to remember, that it will definitely be worth it.

This is the start of Redesign. Rebuild. Reclaim. Take 4. I have to rebuild my body (lose the 25-30 pounds I gained during pandemic/quarantine/work-from-home and regain the strength I lost) and I need to redesign my form (they are small tweaks, but I can tell already it is going to be difficult for me to implement them). Then, hopefully, I can reclaim the joy of running.

Getting control of my blood pressure

For a multitude of reasons, I have spent more time visiting the doctor in the last year and half then I have in the previous 45 years combined. Asthma, allergies, skin infections, eye irritations, running injuries. I feel like I’m visiting a medical facility a couple times a week (in the last week of April and the first week of May, I was at a medical facility six times).

At most of those appointments, I have my vitals taken. Temperature, weight, blood oxygen level, blood pressure. And at nearly every one of those appointments, my blood pressure has been too high. Typically, in the doctor’s office, my blood pressure is 140 to 150/85 to 96. 

I have been on blood pressure medication since 2017. In 2019, when I was deep into training for the Chicago Marathon and newly sober, my BP at my annual physical was 132/84. Still high, but moving in the right direction. My doctor was encouraged, even with my BP still a little elevated, and said if things kept trending in the right direction, I may be able to ditch the meds. 

Clearly, they have not. 

In the nearly two years since that discussion about ditching my meds, I have been injured a few times and picked up some pretty bad eating habits. I’m not as active as I was in 2019 (I’m still sober though) and I rediscovered a love for salty chips, frozen pizza, and ham and cheese sandwiches. I did not stop taking a pill every morning for my blood pressure, instead I’m taking two (I was taking 5 MG of lisinopril, that has been increased to 10). 

There is a good chance, because of my family history, that I will be taking meds for my blood pressure for the rest of my life. My doctor told me I may not be able to outrun my heredity. 

It is because of that family history that I know I need to take this seriously. Being healthy isn’t just a matter of wanting to be a good runner, it is about avoiding heart disease that has touched too many people I love. If I don’t change my diet, stay on my meds and lower my blood pressure, I’m facing a future of heart problems I do not want to think about. 

I’m trying to do better. I no longer buy chips when I do my weekly grocery shopping and I don’t eat ham and cheese sandwiches every day for lunch. I’m eating more salads, more oatmeal and I’m trying to make my snacks healthier. I’m also trying to be more active. That should improve once I start physical therapy and once I’m fully vaccinated (May 14) and feel comfortable enough to go back to the gym. 

This will all help me be a better runner and being a better runner should help me get healthier. When I’m feeling good and able to train, it is easier to keep my diet dialed in (though it has always been a struggle), and hopefully keep my blood pressure in check. 

I’m 47 years old and I can’t ignore this stuff anymore. I spent the better part of my 20s and 30s treating my body like shit. I just can’t do that anymore.

Redesign. Rebuild. Reclaim. (Take 4)

This is the origin of my oft-used (because I’m oft-injured? or lazy? both both) motto.

Running hasn’t felt good for a while and I have a few answers for why.

Wednesday morning I spent about an hour at a orthopedist, answering questions, getting examined, and even under going an ultra sound.

The initial diagnosis is way more complicated than this, but the doc said, basically everything in my left leg is not very happy.

That calf pain I talked about in my last post turned out to be a from a small tear, which showed up quite clearly on the ultra sound, and is healing. It also looks like I have some tendonitis in my ankle and shin splints (mild posterior tibialis tendinitis and medial tibial stress syndrome).

Basically, my left leg is not happy.

The good news is, I start physical therapy soon and I’m confident that if I am willing to do the work, I’ll be running pain free at some point in the near future. The bad news is, running really sucks right now.

I wasn’t running a ton before the injuring my calf, in part because my ankle was hurting. I just started to get out from some jogging last week after my injury, but it doesn’t feel good. My left leg hurts every where. The doc thinks something off with my biomechanics, likely because I’m compensating. So right now, I just don’t feel like running.

I planned to jog a few miles Thursday, knowing that I will likely be laid up this weekend after getting my second dose of the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine on Friday (the first one crushed me, but I was also dealing with a Staph infection, so maybe I’ll get off easier this time … either way, I’m super excited to get that shot). But when I left the house, I didn’t feel quite right, so I just walked 3 miles and was OK with that.

I’m not starting over, but I have a lot of work to do to be able to do the type of running I want to do. The good news is, I know I can get there, because I’ve done it before. I was forced to take time off at the end of 2017 when my knees flared up, and I worked my way back to just missing my 5K PR early in 2019. Later that year, while training for the Chicago Marathon, I strained a hip flexor, and was able to rehab in time to PR in the marathon a few months later. The marathon took a toll on my right knee, but after months of PT, I was getting back into regular training before the pandemic shut everything down and stole my running mojo.

I’ve talked a lot on here about my motto Redesign. Rebuild. Reclaim. That started 2017, when my hamstring was achy, but then my knees shit the bed and I failed on that mission. In 2018/2019, I actually did rebuild and redesign myself, dropping about 25 pounds (I’ve gained them all back) and reclaimed my love of running.

Now, though, it is time to really embrace that credo. If I want to run the way I want to run (training and racing and enjoying it), I can’t slack off. I have to do the work to rebuild my body, to redesign my habits, if I want to rebuild myself into the runner I want to be.

But just as important is to listen to my body and cut myself some slack. Forcing myself out the door when I feel like crap, isn’t going to help. Feeling bad about not getting out the door because I feel like crap is going to send me spiraling. I’ve felt like shit enough in the last 14 months, dealing with isolation and anxiety related to this freakin’ pandemic, I can’t add to that by feeling bad about not running.

I’m excited to get going. I’m excited to do the work. I’m also ready to take it slow and give myself some grace.